This is my little journal, will update semi-regularly.

September 2nd 2024

Had a bit of a rough day yesterday, depression hit hard and I had nothing fun to do to distract me. Luckily tomorrow I have an interview and the next few days are looking like they will be fun. New friends are still nice and funny, I think ive found my friend group for the next little while at least.

August 20th 2024

Ive met a lot of cool people in such a short time. Also got a job recently! I might hate it but hey money is money. Not much else has gone on though.

July 25th 2024

Got to hang out with a friend this week, had a very fun time just chilling and talking. Also got to meet 2 really cool trans girls (who i might have a crush on) and hungout with them for a while. I hope I can hangout with them more. Havent dont much more recently, just job-hunting and hanging out with cool people. I did also have the very fun experience of walking out in a dress for the first time in public, it was a little scary but im glad I did it :3.

July 18th 2024

The move is done! 800 miles later and I am in what will probably be my home for the next 5 years. My new tattoo is looking and feeling good too! The one downside of the move was saying goodbye to my friends, ive been up here a month and still havent found many people who seem to like me :(. Today I did meet a group of cool trans people at a bar from a new friend, not sure if they really liked me though. I was mostly quiet and just trying not to mess things up, i was so anxious I could barely keep myself from stuttering every word. I can only hope next time I see them I can be calmer, or at least not as quiet. I did get some really nice compliments from one of them though! On second thought it might have been flirting, but at this point its a little hard to tell which is which.

May 24th 2024

This week has been... a lot. I might have a 3rd partner now after a particularly unexpected date night with my boyfriend (unexpected in a good way). Im going on a date with her this monday and am so excited! I also have been finally planning when to pack up my stuff and move in with my boyfriend for a bit just to make moving together much easier.

May 17th 2024

Not much to say for this week, mostly have just been working. I did get an appointment for a tattoo on my birthday in just a few weeks!

May 11th 2024

I have had a pretty good week, my job for the next month will essentially be "sit at a desk and entertain yourself however you want". Im excited for my move in just a few weeks. Finally signed a lease and now I can just look forward to decorating and exploring my new home. And just a month after that I can go visit my girlfriend! it will only be 24 hours by Amtrak to go to her (probably will save visiting for whenever I have a lot of time off).

May 2nd 2024

Have a bad anniversary today. A friend died on this day last year. Going to use today to mourn and remember them. Not much else to say.

May 1st 2024

Got persona 3 reload so thats kinda taken over my life recently (›´ω`‹ ). Other than that pretty meh week, had some fun with a friend talking for like 4 hours straight. No updates on the crush stuff though, feelings are less "burning with passion stronger than the sun!" and more "this seems like it would be nice". Dont think I'll actually try anything though (-_-). After all I'm 99% sure she doesnt feel the same about me...

April 21st 2024

Yesterday was the weed day so I took an edible much stronger than I'm used to. Planning to hangout with my friend today for one of the last times before we both move. I have also gained a new crush on someone O///O. Had a pretty good day overall and talked with an old acquaintance/new friend!

April 18th 2024

I've been thinking a lot about my early transition stuff. Wont give anything that could reveal who I am IRL but it feels good to let this out.

When I was 17 I came out to my parents. I was nervous and my friend had to hype me up before i backed out. I was too nervous for a face to face during this so I texted my mom "I think im transgender." and explained why. At this point my close friends knew I was trans. My very liberal art professor mom initially took this well, my dad didnt for the early part of my social transition. The clearest memory I have of this period was my dad driving me somewhere and suddenly going "I dont think youre really trans".

For a year I had to prove to my otherwise very accepting parents that I was trans. After I moved out I stopped contacting them as much. If they were going to try to scare me away from transition with the usual "HRT will change your body permanently and probably has 1000 side effects" or "wouldnt it just be easier to drop this and just live normally" then I wouldnt want them in my life. For the majority of my freshman year at college I was able to be myself with no one telling me I was wrong.

When the pandemic started and lockdown happened I was forced to move back in with my parents. It was only for 5 months, but I still loathed the idea that id be trapped there again. My mom had never gotten past the initial part of me coming out. I learned not to talk about me being trans, not to correct her on my pronouns or names, and definitely not to say anything that wasnt proven in a paper 30 years ago. My dad on the other hand got better, he made conscious efforts to use my name and pronouns and became more proud of who I was.

There is a rift in my family now between me and my mom. I think we both know its there, but Im not putting any more work into mending it without her actually attempting to understand me. For more than a year I tried consistently and was met with yelling, anger, and was made to feel guilty for who I am. I still love my mom, but I've realized that her love for me was conditional. I dont think either of us realized that.

Cutting to the present, Im seeing my dad monday. He is the family member I turn to when the going gets rough. His efforts have paid off and I'm just his daughter now. When I see him I don't have to hide who I am, or pretend that I havent changed in 5 years.

Bit of an odd journal entry today, probably wont be the norm but wanted to get all of this out somewhere

April 12th 2024

Feeling pretty good today, working on the website and making a lot of necessary pages. Got to talk with my BF today too! My BF started T recently and I'm so proud of him. It's been a little over 3 years since I started E and still remember the anxiety and nervousness going into the doctors office. I've also been getting more and more excited of my upcoming move! I'm moving from NC to a state up North (keeping this relatively secret for privacy) and am ready for a change like that! Getting a new job might be tough though, my current job is more common in my area than it will be in my new home.